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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Ten Years Gone

Ten Years Gone

Note: The events described in this and all future blog entries are completely true. In order to protect the identities of the characters in my life I have decided to make use of the Herbal Code, that is, to use the folk names of herbs in place of real ones. Some of these names are mnemonic devices, while others simply describe something about that person. ---Carolina Dean


Ten years ago this week I made the biggest mistake of my life, the consequences of which I am still living with today. That mistake was believing that I could use magick to make a man love me. This was during a time in my life when I thought I needed a man's love to prove my own self worth. What I succeeded in doing was blinding myself to the truth that my self-worth is not based on having a man in my life and fooling myself into believing that sex equals love. Pay attention young witches, sex without love is physical gratification; sex with love is something completely different. Learn the difference now, and don't make my mistake.

I still remember the first time I saw him, I was sitting in my car waiting to go into work when I spotted Johnny Jump Up going into my workplace. He was a new hire, and I immediately knew I wanted him. He was a wet dream cum true--blond, athletic, tattooed--straight (basically irresistible) I did all the usual things, I flirted with him, offered to share my lunch when he didn't have anything to eat, invited him into my group to spend breaks and lunches with us, etc....

I started working him that same week. I remember how clever I thought I was in being able to get a copy of his driver's license to use his photograph to stuff a poppet. Using his birth date, I did a basic astrological chart to figure out the best way to seduce him (he was an Aquarius). It took about one moon cycle then one night, he suddenly showed up at my home. He was looking for another co-worker who lived on the same street as me and recognized my car. Little did I know that he was looking to buy some marijuana from that other co-worker.

He had already had a few beers when he showed up and we shared some Mad Dog 20/20 I just happened to have in my house. Once we were both relaxed, I finally got up the nerve to make my move. He didn't resist, and I thought I had him, but the truth was he had me. Yes, I was penis-whipped. He moved in with me the following week. He didn't want anyone to know that we were together, so I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. I was his bitch. I cooked his meals, did his laundry, cleaned up after him, waited on him hand and foot, and yes sex was a large part of our relationship. He also introduced me to "smoking weed", giving me my first shot gun.

One day, I went to work while he stayed home sick. When I got home, I opened my door and everything I owned was gone. Everything. All I had was literally the clothes on my back. He robbed me blind. I didn't even call the police, I was so embarrassed and ashamed. Later that night, I had cried myself to sleep, he showed up telling me he had done it for "us." He sold all of "our" things so that "we" could run away together. He had a car and wanted me to go with him. I was so confused, I didn't know what to do, so I just blindly followed him. I didn't know where we were going or how we were going to take care of ourselves, but I thought it would be ok because I wasn't alone. Little did I know how alone I really was.

He ran a toll-booth in West Virginia and we were pulled over by a West Virginia State Trooper, near the city of Beckley. As soon as the trooper got to the window, Johnny Jump Up sped off. As the trooper chased us down the highway in his car, I learned the truth. He didn't have any money. He spent it all on drugs. The car was stolen. He didn't know where we were going. It was all lies. The police shot out our tires, and drug us both from the car. I was bitch-slapped by one officer who broke my glasses in the process, then thrown to the ground. My hands were cuffed behind my back, and my feet were shackled together. As I lay on the ground the officers kicked me and shouted slurs in reference to my sexuality.

Johnny Jump Up and I were separated. At arraignment I got lucky. I was only charged with bringing stolen property into the state (the never found the marijuana under the seat.) In jail, I was stripped in front of several officers and deloused. Thankfully, there was no body cavity search. Then I was lead into a large room full of cells and assigned a cell. Though there were threats of rape, it seemed to be something done to scare the new inmates. I don't deny that these things occur in jail, I'm simply stating that it did not happen to me.

I called my father to try to get bailed out, he told me I was "a stupid bastard" and hung up on me. Luckily my boss at the time was there for me. She bailed me out, arranged for the bondsman to take me to the bus station and put me on a bus back home. She helped me replace some of the things I lost, and arranged for me to work overtime every week to help me get back on my feet. Although I lost my home, I was able to find another. Ultimately I plead guilty and was sentenced to one year's probation, which the year it took them to prosecute me served as that probation (I think that's called a suspended sentence).

I never saw Johnny Jump Up again, although I still have a letter he sent me from jail.

What about the magick? What happened? Why did it fail? The magick worked. It gave me exactly what I wanted. I wanted Johnny Jump Up and I got him. But I didn't really know this person. What I didn't know was the he was a drug addict, he habitually used people, he was a career criminal. In fact, when he moved in with me he was wanted by the authorities in another town and was looking for a place to hide out.

There were signs and warnings....all of which I failed to heed. Each time I threw the cards, there was The Devil staring back at me. A charming, untrustworthy person. There was the voice of reason in my head....silenced by drugs...silenced by fear...silenced by lies. The truth was right there in front of me the whole time but I didn't recognize it, didn't want to see the truth.

This one experience effected every relationship that I've had thereafter and is still affecting me ten years later. It has changed my entire concept of love and relationships. I find that I simply cannot trust anyone who expresses an interest in me. Every time a man shows an interest in me, I automatically think he is out to use me. I often look upon a boyfriend as someone who detracts from the quality of my life will who will not add to it. It's hard for me to let anyone get too close, even friends, although I've made progress in opening up to them.

Although I've always been careful (safe sex, young witches) , my only relationships have been brief, mostly anonymous, and based on sex. I've lost my home twice in my life, and now have a great fear of being homeless. I don't know if I ever will meet "the one". What I know is that the older I get the happier I am being alone, but I still have needs....

Lately I've found myself greatly attracted to one of my co-workers. In fact, he reminds me of Johnny Jump Up. He's cocky, aloof, and in lieu of tatooes, he's got piercings.....As far as I know he's a straight arrow (no drugs or addictions, unless you count video games). But it simply cannot be....

Anti-Lust Spell

Carve the name of the one you desire on a red candle, reversing the letters. Cut the 'head' off of the candle, turn it upside down and dig the wick out of the 'foot'. Set the candle in a holder, hold your hands over the candle and silently as Spirit for assistance in your work. Light the candle and chant these words....

"I cannot bear the pain,
that (N) is not mine to gain;
extinguish this desire in me burning,
& remove this hopeless yearning!"


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