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Sunday, June 22, 2008

Breaking the Wall

So yesterday, Saturday, was the first day that I actually worked in the Photo Lab. I learned how to do a few things and was happy that my supervisor felt comfortable enough to leave me alone for brief periods. I was still a bit put off by the manner in which a few customers treated me. I only wish that they would realize exactly how they are speaking to me. I'm sure they wouldn't like me to be rude to and dismissive of them and I fail to understand why they would treat me in that manner.

I pretty much have running the register down pat, except that because the manager hadn't assigned me my own sign-on and password, I had to share my supervisors. So when I was sent to cover for another associate at her register, each time my supervisor rang up a customer in the photo lab it signed me out at the front-register and she had to come sign in on my register again.

By the end of the day, I was concerned that I wasn't going to be able to remember all the steps and procedures necessary to perform this job and actually thought about not returning to work today. The drive home was pleasant enough, and when Kid Rock's Only God Knows Why began to play it got me to thinking about my purpose in life. Is this what I'm living for? Where is the meaning in my life? I was thinking that I wasn't really happy with this job and that it would not satisfy me. I was depressed as I felt that I had no alternative options. I began to regret that I no longer worked at Wal-Mart. As bad as it was, I did a good job. I had great hours and, it was close to my home, and the pay was good enough for me to pay my bills and have enough left over to pursue my interest.

By the time I got to the Deception Pass Bridge, I found myself fantasizing about driving over the bridge into the Strait of Juan de Fuca before images of me homeless and walking across America filled my mind. Even in my fantasies, my life sucks...

I stopped at home long enough to change, gather my clothes and go do this week's washing. Two hours later I was at home, ate and cleaned up only to fall asleep on the couch about 8:30 and waking up at 10 pm. I watched one episode of CSI:Miami, then got out my clothes for work the following day and went to bed.

Just before sleep those old self-destructive thoughts came into my mind again. I decided that the more I dwelt on the negative the more the negative will be amplified. So I just had a conversation with god and basically affirmed that I cast a spell to get a job that will best utilize my experience and skills and allow me to maintain my present lifestyle. This job is the one that I was lead to and therefore it must be the right one for me. If the Creator has faith in my ability to do this job effectively, then I must have faith in the Creator.

In my dreaming mind I was in a cold place, snow was everywhere. On a hill side I found a pair of pants that I liked very much and which were very comfortable ( I think they were brown corduroy). I put them on but they were covered in snow but I knew that once the snow melted and they dried I would love them; and so with my new pants I turned and climbed over that hill.

I didn't think much about the dream at that time as I was more concerned about getting ready for work. So I turned on the tv for company, and ran my bathwater....On the drive to work, I got to thinking about that dream and as I write this now I cannot remember the logic behind my interpretation but what I got from the dream was I am unsure of my self right now (the cold and the snow) but once I find myself in this place (the pants) I will become more comfortable in the job, overcome this challenge (the hill) and be able to continue my life's journey.

And so, even though it wasn't the start of my day, I made this prayer my own....

O Spirit.
Fill me
with the knowledge
of my true-will
that I may walk
in the light of truth
and act in the spirit
of wisdom.
As I draw closer to
with you
increase the fruit
of my good work
Make me one
with your power
that your strength
become mine own.
So Mote It Be!

---Carolina Dean


Anonymous said...

You are not suppose to have 'destructive thoughts', I thought that was my speciality. I did admire the prayer and know that prayer could help my thoughts and actions as well. I hope that this day will bring better and more positive things to you as you continue to adjust to this job.

Is it possible that as time goes by another job could present itself to you?


Carolina Dean said...

I don't know about a better job, but today there was woman filing in from my local Walgreen who told me that she was leaving the middle of next month and that I could probably be transferred to fill her position.

I talked to the manager about this possibility who called the manager of my local Walgreen and it may be possible for me to transfer to my local store in about 6 weeks.

So, maybe I'll be closer to home in a month of so...but I'm seriously thinking about giving up my apartment and moving in with Kaleb's would be hard for me to do that, but to survive I may have to...

carolina dean

Anonymous said...

(I just saw your comment, I am a bit slow at times.)

Living closer would definitely be a benefit, especially because of gas prices. But how soon do you have to make the decision about moving? Change is a very hard thing for most people. I know that I handle it very poorly. Sometimes as time passes we unconsciously rearrange our thinking and even our physical lives enough that we are able to not only comfortably live with the change, but even embrace it. Making choices too quickly could be detrimental, unless of course you have no other course to take. Spend time meditating on the answers and solutions and the answers will manifest and be clearly presented to you.
Many blessings friend,