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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Love. What is it Good For?



I was going to share a quaint love spell I found in my journal with you today, but then I began to think of why it had attracted my attention so much in the first place.

I've been thinking about love spells lately. No. There's no one specific person I have in mind. I haven't really been bitten by the "lonely-bug" as of late either. But with my friend Robert moving back to South Carolina in a few weeks, I'm forced to face the reality of actually being quite alone.

Robert is the only person I know here. Although he is not always reliable, we've been there for each other in many ways. He's worked on my car, I've taken care of his child. I'v washed my clothes at his house, he's slept here when the weather knocked his power out and he didn't have heat. We've shared groceries with each other when there's wasn't enough money for food, we helped each other pay bills, etc...Things that friends do for each other.

I've not made any friends here. I have my work friends, and my online friends, but no one that I socialize with in real time. When he's gone I'll have no support system in place. I've tried to make friends. When I first came here I responded to a witchvox ad for a pagan night out type group, but the person running it seemed only interested in getting people to do her yard work and all her traditions were secret so we couldnt' even talk about the one thing we had in common. I put my own advertisement on witchvox and although I got well over 1000 views, I was only contacted by one person who just seemed to disappear after a few months.

In another instance I added a guy to my myspace page who was looking for other Wiccans on the Island to hang out with. Everything seemed find till he noticed I was gay and then be deleted me as a friend and blocked me. Somehow I thought Wiccans and Pagans would be different, but we're still human and we have our prejudices.

I'm already thinking about the changes Robert's moving is going to bring about. I'll have to start going to the landromat. They'll be an extra 40 dollars a month just to wash my clothes. I wont' see K. anymore.

When I was younger, love spells were all about "getting the guy" I was young and stupid, I thought that once I had him in my bed there'd be no escape. I even fell into the trap of "if I have sex with him he'll love me.," and that sex = love. Well, as always, life has a nasty way of delivering that wake up call.

Then I went through that phase that I think alot of gay men go through as some point, seducing the straight man. And then sex became a game, and magic just a way to cheat. I'll admit I used magic to gain my share of lovers but at the expense of a part of myself. Thankfully, I've made it to the ripe old age of 35 disease free.

After more than a few hurts, I swore off love and became bitter. I told myself I didn't need love. I told other people that I wasn't interested in sex or love. Was that to make the hetero's I work with more comfortable around me, or was it just to fool myself? Probably a little of both.

Over the years I begun to think of myself as too ugly to be loved, that no guy would ever be attracted to someone like me. I guess that says alot about how superficial I am huh? I know there's alot of people on here who like me, but I honestly think of myself as an awful person in alot of ways. Working with the public I see people all day and then I'd see some couple and I'd think...hmmm If she could get a man, then surely I can as well?

And so I'd start letting myself think that it would be possible, but then that old negative thinking would return. You're too ugly, you're too fat. No man's gonna want you. You won't be compatible, etc....and then the un-thinkable would happen. Some cute guy would flirt with me, and I'd pretend not to notice, or become cold and unfriendly because I would think that he just wanted to use me for some reason. Why is it that I cannot concive of a man likeing me just for me? Why is it that in my mind a man can only want me for sexual pleasure of my money (yeah, I used to have money and excellent credit, but that's another story).

Now I'm starting to think of love in terms of security. I'm sure you married folks will tell me that you and I are all in the same boat and that just because you have a partner in life you're no more secure that anyone else. It just seems that in my mind I imagine that if I had a man in my life, I wouldn't have to worry so much about how I'm going to pay this bill, or that what am I going to do if my car breaks down, what's going to happen if I lose my job because of the ecomony. I wouldn't have to go through so much alone.

I know that so long as I think of myself as fat, ugly, and un-lovable--no amount of magick is going to draw a man into my life and if it does he's sure to be the type to take advantage of someone with such low-self esteem. Before I can even think about lighting a candle, I'm going to have to make some changes in the way I think, an act, and feel......


Carolina Dean


6 comments:

Sue said...

Morning CD~ I wish we were closer in proximity, I'd be your friend in a heartbeat. Negative thinking only draws back negative.... Putting positive energy out will bring positive back. I truely believe this; know it works. Have a wonderful weekend ~ Hang in there, Mr. Right WILL show up in your life before you know it ~ XO

Carolina Dean said...

MM,

Thanks for the advice Sue. I'm sure we'd get along real well too.

I know everything you said intellectually and in my heart as well, it's just a matter of harnessing the discilpline I know I have inside me to put these principles into action.

Something that I started as of last night.

Thanks,

Dean

jeff said...

Yes I am going to say we are in the same boat. My lover thinks he's fat, I think he's beyond gorgeous and neither of us have been a gym bunny (or even within spitting distance of a weight set) since 2001. I grew up thinking I was vile well because I was told I was and I can now look back objectively and see how beautiful I really was then. I was lied to and I believed those lies. I read your blog and admire and envy your creativity and success. I don't know what you look like but really in love, real love that isn't the issue. It may help light a flame but it won't keep it lit for very long. Hey if all else fails learn to love being alone because as soon as you do you know you'll be walloped with somebody special eating up all that free time!

Carolina Dean said...

Again, it's not so much about love anymore but more about security.

Anyway, you can see some pictures of my on my website at www.carolinadean.com under the About Me tab, or at my covenspace page located at http://www.coven-space.com/carolina_dean

Dean

Lodestone and Ladys Mantle said...

Sometimes we all lose our 'wiggle', 'mojo', or every-day self-confidence.
1.You aren't fat. From the pix it looks like a layer of fat over muscle.
2. You are intelligent, insightful, sensitive, and a credit to our community.
That all sounds pretty badass to me, and I know a score of guys that would kill or die to meet someone like you. Of course, bolstering your support system and self-confidence plays a huge part in how happy you would be in any relationship. My heart goes out to a fellow hermit! *hugs*

Carolina Dean said...

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. If you need me I'll be down at the docks picking up sailors....lol

Dean