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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Maneki Neko Rite for Money

The Maneki Neko, or Beckoning Cat, is a Japanese statue found in many homes and, most notably, businesses; and which is believed to bring good luck and wealth to it's owners by drawing in customers. The Maneki Neko is often made of porcelain or clay, but it can also be found cast in plastic. Some of these sculptures are designed so that a battery can be inserted into it which will cause the cat's hand to swing back and forth, in a traditional beckoning gesture.

The statue comes in many colors and different colored cats are said to draw different things. For example, white cats are said to attract luck, whereas black cats are said to attract health. In addition, some believe that a raised left paw draws customers, while a raised right paw draws money. In Japanese culture, the Beckoning Cat can be found on key chains, air fresheners, and assorted sundries.

However, for the purpose of this spell these variations make little difference so long as we understand on the whole that the Beckoning Cat will draw money and luck to you; how that money and luck will come to you is, of course, left up to the universe.

For this spell, you will need a Maneki Neko statue, or at least a picture of one. If you go the picture route, place it in a special photo frame. In addition, you will need votive candles, a pen and a piece of paper.

To begin, take your Maneki Neko and wash it in clean water, making sure to get all the dust off of it, as whatnots are apt to collect dust. Pretend as if the sculpture is a real cat, talk to and tell it what you are doing. Be gentle. When you are done, place the Maneki Neko on your altar or shrine. I keep mine on my household shrine over the kitchen sink.

Next, write your name on a piece of paper three times then cross and cover this with the words "money come to me," also written three times. Fold the paper towards you three times, rotating the paper clockwise between each fold and repeating the words money come to me as you make each fold. Finally place the paper under the cat statue.

Light a votive candle next to the Maneki Neko. Speak to it as if you would a deity, tell it your needs and ask the cat to fulfill your request. Let the candle burn on it's own till it is spent, then light another. Keep the candles burning as a continual offering to the cat and make your petition each time you light the candle. When money comes your way, place a few coins, or bills, near the foot of the statue so that it will attract even more. At this time, you may also place a small cup of water near the statue as an additional offering.

If the Maneki Neko doesn't seem to work for you, remove the offerings for a short time and make your petition again. Tell the cat that when money comes to you, you will replace the offering and add something special.

In other instances the cat may communicate to you something that it wants, such as a shiny bauble or a ball of string (no kidding, here). When the cat asks for something its important to give, but with the understanding that as you give, so should the Maneki Neko.

Good Luck in all your working....

Carolina Dean :)~


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Symbols and their Meanings

According to Webster's Online dictionary, a symbol is a noun defined as

1. An arbitrary sign (written or printed) that has acquired a conventional significance.
2. Something visible that by association or convention represents something else that is invisible; "the eagle is a symbol of the United States".

In the practice of magick, symbols are often symbolic of our desires. They are found on Tarot Cards, Astrological Charts, and Talismans to name a few. In addition they can be carved onto candles, written on paper, draw in dirt, or even in the air!

Symbols also appear in our dreams, and it has often been said that read more.....


--Carolina Dean

Monday, July 21, 2008

Concieve It & Achieve It!


Yesterday while adding content to my website, I watched a lifetime movie called The Devil's Diary. The basic premise of the movie is that a teenage girl finds a mysterious blank book in a graveyard one night. She decides to use the book as her diary and find that whatever evil thing she writes in the book later comes to pass.

She begins using the power of the book to hurt and kill those who have bullied and taunted her over the years. Ultimately, the book is stolen from her and it's power turned on her resulting in her death as well. It falls on her best friend to find those who stole the book and recover it before more people die.

The premise of the movie reminded me that I had read an article some time before about how writing down one's goals makes it more likely that you will achieve them. According to this article, writing down one's goals activates the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in the brain. The RAC is responsible for monitoring our senses for the purpose of sorting and evaluating incoming data. The RAC then sends urgent information to the active part of our brain and the non-urgent information to our subconsciousness. This makes us more aware of our desires and sends a message to the universe that you are ready to make positive changes in your life. By becoming more aware of your goals, you then become more open to the opportunities that will help us achieve those goals.

In addition, writing down one's goals is thought to work in connection with the Law of Attraction. The basic tenet of the Law of Attraction can be summed up in the statement "Ask, Believe, Achieve." The Law of Attraction teaches that what you dwell on inwardly, you will manifest outwardly. Therefore if you are constantly focusing on what you don't have, you'll get more of the same and nothing will have changed.

However, by clearly defining our goals (and writing them down) we then begin to shift our focus on what we do want and by believing that we have already achieved our goals, we accomplish them. For example, rather than say I'm going to have a good day, focus your thoughts on the present and repeat to yourself I AM HAVING a good day! By saying that you are going to have a good day, it puts that desire into the future rather than the present. So the "good day" that you are focusing on my manifest tomorrow or the next day, so some time next year rather than today.

With this in mind, I decided to create my own Devil's Diary, which is simply a 200 page mead notebook. To begin, I turned off the television, put my computer on mute and opened all my windows to let in some fresh air and sunshine. At my table, I lit a votive candle and turned to the first page. I began thinking about my life up to this point, my present circumstances and what I want out of life. After this period of contemplation I wrote down the following goals:

1. I want a full-time job close to home which pays me at least $12.00 an hour to do something that I am good at and something which I am both capable of doing and that I enjoy doing.

2. I want to pay my car off early. The sooner the better.

3. I want a compatible boyfriend.

4. I want a home that cannot be taken away from me.

5. I want new glasses.

6. I want to get my teeth fixed.

7. I want to obtain a healthy weight.

Incidentally, I like the idea of calling it a Devil's Diary--not because of the alliteration, or any connection to black magick or satanism. In the folk magick tradition of Hoodoo, the Devil and Satan are two different entities entirely. Through a process called syncretism, the Satan of Christianity and the Cross-Roads God also known as the Opener of the Way were combined in the belief system of Hoodoo creating the new entity called the Devil. As author and writer Catherine Yronwode writes on one of her many webpages ["The Devil] did not grant good fortune, wealth, or power, as the European-American Christian devil is believed to do. He was a teacher of manual dexterity and mental wisdom."

As American's we have been taught that there is a limited amount of abundance in the universe which is reserved for a special few. We have been taught that to consider our needs over the needs of others is selfish and therefore evil. However, there have been those who taught a philosophy of healthy selfishness. Late writer, Dr. Leo Louis Martello called his philosophy Psychoselfism, that basic tenet of which can be described as "sensible selfishness over senseless self-sacrifice."

What this means is that there is nothing wrong with being selfish at times. There is more than enough abundance in the universe for everyone, and its ok to want more than you have right now. The Devil's Diary is the place for you to voice your needs, it is your direct line to the spiritual forces of the universe. To change your life now, you need only to look deep with the well of the inner self and put pen to paper.

Carolina Dean



Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Healing with Prayer

Through my many experiences using the methods described in my previous entry Healing with Energy, I gradually came to discover that I had the gift of empathy. While researching empathy I came across this article. In the article Virginia Sibylline describes an Empath as someone who is able to "sense what others are feeling, and/or influence what others are feeling."

This actually made a great deal of sense to me as I had always been described as moody or sensitive; in addition I had always been prone to experiencing certain emotions as the oddest of times. For example, I would be sad for no reason and happy only a few minutes later. For a period of time in my early 20's I lived with the possibility that I may be bi-polar.

With the aforementioned article as my starting point, I began to explore the possibility that I was an empath. In the beginning I began to observe those around me more closely and mentally noted their moods comparing them to my own in an attempt to discern my abilities. I often asked myself "Am I feeling [happy, angry, depressed, apathetic, etc...] or is this person feeling these emotions?" I found that in order to separate my own feelings from the feelings of those around me I had to really own my own emotions. Up until this time I had been a person who repressed a great deal. Before I could examine the emotions of others, I had to examine my own feelings and deal with my own mental damage.

At other times I would go to public places where I would watch people at random and attempt to tune in to their emotions and feelings. Sometimes I would engage the person in small talk in order to get some information as to my accuracy. Often times many people will tell strangers things that they will not tell their closest friends. In addition, when I performed Tarot Readings, I began to tune in the individual on an emotional level and I found that my readings were better for doing so.

The author of the article that began me down this path of discovery noted that gifts related to Empathy include mind-healing, physical-healing, communication with plants, and communication with animals. Taking what I have learned to the next level, I began study the healing traditions of the Dutch Country Pow-Wows as described in Hexcraft: Dutch Country Pow-Wow Magick by Silver Ravenwolf (newer editions of this book have the new title of American Folk Magick).

In a nutshell, Pow-wow is not a religion but rather a magickal system of faith healing in the Christian tradition. It was brought to America by German settlers who came to Pennsylvania to avoid religious persecution in their native land. Pow-wow uses very little props, if any, and relies heavily on the concept of sacred breath, chants, and magickal gestures. Occasionally a Pow-Wow doctor will make use of a Divinity Stone, scissors and thread.

In her book Ravenwolf, gives the traditional form of the chants but also a Wiccanized version of many of the traditional chants as well. For example substituting Maiden, Mother, and Crone for Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. She writes, and I have to agree with her on this point, that anyone regardless of their religious beliefs can effectively use these methods so long as they believe in some positive, life-affirming deity.

A typical healing entails the healer blowing three breathes over the wound and recites a pre-prescribed chant or prayer three times as well, ending by sealing the healing with a Rune drawn in the air over the wound. Typically I used the Sun Rune, Sowilo. If the wound or injury is more severe, the process is repeated in intervals of three, for a total of nine recitations. If the wound or injury is chronic or terminal, the process may be repeated in intervals of nine for a total of 27 recitations, resting for 10-15 minutes in between intervals.

Ravenwolf provides a number of chants for a variety of health issues including bruising, back pains, stopping blood, and healing burns. For example, a healing chant to heal or "talk the fire out" of burns goes...

Two angels came
from the east
one brought fire
one brought frost
out fire
in frost

In addition, Ravenwolf provides generic chants in the form of a Primary Chant and a Secondary Chant that can be used in any event for any wound, or injury.

The Primary Chant is given as...

"Hath thou recovered health and God, I will lead thee again to the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Ye shall be as well as the bread and wine our Lord did offer his followers before he left us. Therefore so thee our Lord now."

The Secondary Chant is taken from the Book of Mark Chapter 16:17-18...

"And these signs shall follow those that believeth in thy name They shall cast out demons and they shall speak in new tongues And if they drink anything deadly, it shall not harm them. They shall lay hands upon the sick and they shall recover In the Name of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost"

Given all the information that I have given you, it may seem a bit complicated. The entire process may be understood better by putting each step in a logical order.

1. Say the person's full name.
2. Blow three breaths over wound and place hands over wound an inch from body.
3. Say Primary Chant
4. Say Secondary Chant.
5. Seal with Rune.
6. Say the person's full name.
7. Blow three breaths over wound and place hands over wound an inch from body
8. Say Primary Chant
9. Say Secondary Chant.
10. Seal with Rune.
11. Say the person's full name.
12. Blow three breaths over wound and place hands over wound an inch from body.
13. Say Primary Chant
14. Say Secondary Chant.
15. Seal with Rune.

At this point the healing would be over. In more serious cases, the healer would take a short 10 minute break then repeat steps 1-15 again, followed by another short break, then repeating steps 1-15 again for a final time.

Over time, I have dispensed with the chanting and breath blowing portions of the healing process in many cases in that I have found that by simply placing my hands on the body at the point of dis-ease and focusing on allowing the healing energy to flow from the divine through me and into the individual is greatly effective. In many cases, the individual has reported feeling an intense but not uncomfortable heat flowing from my hands and into their bodies.

Using this methods I have treated those with cuts, scrapes, bruises, a sty on the eye, colds and fevers, muscle aches, various forms of cancer, etc....


Carolina Dean

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Healing with Energy

Step One: The Interview

Just like his or her counterpart in the medical profession, the Spiritual Healer must know the history, and background of the individual who requests healing. The more the person feels at east with you the better chance you have of success. You may wish to serve the individual a cup of chamomile tea, which has been known to have a calming effect on individuals.

The first things that you will want to ask the individual who is requesting a healing is if they are currently under the care of a qualified physician, and if so, what diagnosis they have been given, as well as what treatment (if any) they are receiving. How do they feel about the treatment that they are receiving. Do they feel that a second opinion is in order? If the person is reporting symptoms or serious disease, such as excessive bleeding, swelling, frequent blackouts, etc. and they have not sought medical attention, then you should STRONGLY advise the individual to see a doctor.

You should make a point to ask specific questions, while making the individual feel as comfortable as possible. Make a mental note of the person’s body language, and keep a pen and paper nearby to not and list things such as family illnesses, allergies, or complaints. Ask not only about the injury/condition, but also about the events or circumstances surrounding it. You must ask important questions about pregnancy, addiction, and emotional outlook. How is the person sleeping? Has there been an unusual amount of stress in their life. Are they currently taking any medication? Most of all, do no judge, act shocked, or become emotional, try to remain calm and collected.

Keep in mind that mind, body, and spirit are connected. Often emotional trauma/wounds/stress manifests physical symptoms. In these cases, you should treat the problem not the symptom. Be advised that the individual may not be aware of the connection between their symptom and the problem on a conscious level. It will be your job to get the individual to confront his or her feelings and deal with them. Then, and only then, can the healing begin.

Some spiritual healers believe that there is often a literal connection between emotional or mental trauma and the way that it manifests physical symptoms. For example, if you are constantly suffering from kidney infections, then look at your life and figure out who or what is ‘pissing you off.’ If you suffer from a crick in the neck, then ask yourself ‘Who in my life is that pain in the neck?’ If you are having a great deal of pain in the back, then ask yourself ‘What do I need to unload?’


Step Two: The Energy Examination

Ask the individual to lie comfortably on their back, with their arms at their sides. You may want to have a mat on the floor, or have the person lie on your sofa. If you plan to do a great deal of healing, you may want to invest in a portable massage table.

Ground and center, then cast a circle around yourself and the individual in the name of (choose one)

  • Your patron God or Goddess.
  • A specific deity known for his or her healing powers.
  • A Generic form of the God and/or Goddess.
  • The God and Goddess combined, sometimes called Spirit, or the All.

Inside your circle, examine the seven chakras one by one, by placing your hands approximately one inch over the body, Allow your intuition to guide you. Pay attention to any mental images that come to your mind, as well as physical sensations that you experience. Feel free to talk to the individual about what you are sensing and allow them to give you feedback. Take notes of your findings as well as any unusual energy patterns that you sense. You will be referring to these notes when you the actual healing begins.

Step Three: The Healing

Astrological Correspondences and Healing

Witch-Healers normally time their endeavors to the Phases of the Moon, defined as New, Waxing, Full, and Waning. These four can be divided further into eight distinctive phases, but for the purpose of healing, a basic knowledge of these four will suffice.

Generally speaking, during a New to Full Moon (Waxing) a witch focuses on drawing positive energy toward him or herself. During a Full to New Moon (Waning) a witch will focus on moving negative energy away from themselves. While a Full Moon is considered all-purpose, and a witch can either draw positive energy towards, or move negative energy away from, him or herself.

This translates to healing in the following manner. During a Waxing Moon, the focus is on applying positive energy to the sick or injured area, so that the positive energy dilutes the negative energy and is thus transformed into positive energy itself. This is much like pouring a gallon or Red Kool-Aid into the ocean. The ocean water dilutes the Kool-Aid and the Kool-Aid seemingly disappears, but what actually happens is that the Kool-Aid becomes a part of the ocean itself and takes on the ocean’s characteristics.

During a Waning Moon, the focus is on siphoning, or removing, negative energy from the sick or injured area so that only positive energy remains. During a Full Moon, the healer alternates between drawing out negative energy and instilling positive energy. For this reason, the Full Moon is the best time to perform a healing.

The Use of Sigils

Many healers use sigils to seal the Auric Field of an individual after healing applications. These sigils are traced in the air over the charkas three times after each application with the words ‘so mote it be.’ Some of the most popular sigils are Pentacles, The Solar Cross, and Sowilo (see The Runes).

The Use of Props

For the purpose of this article, ‘props’ can be defined as anything, other than the tool of self that one utilizes in the process of healing. Props include but are not limited to the following: Tarot Cards, Runes, Crystals, Stones, Music, Candles, Incense, Colors, etc.

The use of color, music, candles, and incense helps to set the mood for the ritual and can assist both the healer and the patient in obtaining a relaxed state of mind and body. Tarot Cards, Runes, and Crystals can be placed on top of the body at the location of the Chakras as symbols of healing power, and these can be drawn randomly to diagnose the type of energy needed to facilitate the healing process. (For more information on these tools, see their respective chapters.)

Putting it all Together

At this point, you will begin the actual healing by Instilling, Siphoning, or both as determined by the phase of the moon. However, if you choose to use any props, place them over the Chakras before moving on to the energy work as described below. This is where all the notes that you took earlier will come in handy. You will concentrate your energies on those Chakras that correspond to the sickness or injury, which should have been made apparent during the energy examination.

To Instill Positive Energy

Place your projective hand down about four inches over the chakra and rotate your palm in a deosil (clockwise) pattern. Visualize energy of the color which corresponds to the Chakra filling it up and glowing brighter and brighter. Imagine the negative energy is being diluted (you may want to see the negative energy as black) and ‘see’ it fading into the correct color. Finally visualize the Chakra glowing bright and healthy. Continue your visualization for as long as you feel necessary, then seal the healing with a sigil as described earlier.

To Siphon Negative Energy

Place your receptive hand, palm down about four inches over the Chakra and rotate your palm in a widdershins (counter-clockwise) pattern. Visualize the negative energy coming out of the charka and adhering to your palm. Visualize the charka glowing bring, vivid, and healthy. Move your hand away from the individual and “shake off” the negative energy. Imagine it being swallowed by the earth where it will be transformed into positive energy. This will become a psychic reservoir of healing energy for you over time. Continue your visualization for as long as you feel necessary, then seal the healing with a sigil as described earlier.

Afterward

Once the healing session is over, open the circle, and allow the individual to sit up. Don’t’ rush the individual out of the door. Allow him or her time to gather their thoughts and readjust them selves after having gone through such a power experience. The person should leave feeling happy, upbeat, optimistic, and energized. Make an appointment to call the individual within the week to see if another session is needed.

Clearing the Self

When the individual has gone, take a few moments to ground and center yourself again. You may wish to hold your hands under cold water, hold a piece of hematite, shake out your fingers, or take some cleansing breaths.

A Note on Terminal Illness and Healing

There are many schools of thought on this issue. Some healers believe that before a person incarnates on this plane, that among other elements of their life they chose how they will die. Some healers believe that sometimes a person will choose to die in a violent or painful manner and in a way their suffering takes away from the pain of others. Therefore, some healers will not attempt to heal or cure a person with terminal illness.

Other healers believe that in order to heal a person, that they must take on the disease themselves before casting it away, and they will not attempt to work for a person with terminal illness for fear of getting the disease themselves and not being able to get rid of it.

Some healers believe that with proper applications of healing energy a person can be cured or at the very least suffering will be eased so that their passage from this incarnation will be a peaceful one. It is up to the individual student to develop his or her own opinion on this issue.

------------Carolina Dean

Tomorrow, Healing with Prayer

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Heal-All Part One: Preparing the Candle


Today I will be sharing my recipe for Heal-All which I used as a Vigil Candle and in the form of a mojo bag for a friend, who is suffering a relapse of cancer which has already taken one of his kidneys.

For this working, you will require the following items:

A White Glass Encased Vigil Candle
(for blessings and healing)

Mistletoe (aka heal-all)
(for healing)

Allspice
(to ease the mind)

(for success and victory)

(for strength and personal power)

Pen and Paper
(for writing a petition)

To begin, I created and printed out the label at the top of this page and glued it to the white vigil candle. I then used an ice pick to bore 6 holes in the candle. Next, I placed one drop of High John the Conqueror Oil in each hole then pressed one who allspice pebble in the hole to anchor the oil; then sprinkled a mixture of powdered Mistletoe and Bay over the candle.

I then dabbed a little High John the Conqueror Oil on the tip of my finger and then traced the outer rim of the glass three times saying: "Perfect health belongs to (N)!"

As I prepared the candle, I directed the person I was working for to write his name three times on a square of paper torn on all four sides by hand, I then showed him how to cross and cover his name by turning the paper 90 degrees and directed him to write Perfect Health is Mine! over his name, also three times.

This petition was then folded three times towards myself, rotating it once clockwise once between each turn and placed under an overturned saucer. The candle was placed on top of the overturned saucer and lit with these words:

"This flame burning true and bright is the life and spirit of (N) living in perfect health and harmony. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen."

The ingredients for the accompanying mojo bag included the following

Mistletoe
(for healing)

Allspice
(to ease the mind)

Bay Leaves
(for success and victory)

Rosemary
(for purification)

Fennel
(protection and purification)

High John the Conqueror Root
(for strength and personal power)

A piece of red cloth
(for life and vitality)

A 1941 Mercury Dime
(client's birth year, and mercury's wand is symbolic of healing)

A Written Petition
(same as written petition above)

The mojo bag was given to the client to carry on himself in the coming days and weeks as he goes through treatment for his cancer, which included medical treatment and spiritual healing.

This concluded part one of Heal-All. Tomorrow I will be describing the ritual of laying on of hands which I performed for the client and share his thoughts and feelings on the procedure and how the work is progressing.

Carolina Dean



Monday, July 7, 2008

Lost in Time, Lost in Space...and Meaning....

It's been a few days since I've written anything; not because I didn't have anything to say, but rather I haven't had the time or energy.

I've shared my successes with you, so I thought it only fitting that I share my failures as well. Last Friday, I was a bit depressed and on the spur of the moment decided to do a love spell hoping to attract a companion so that I don't have to go through this alone. I already had all the materials as it was something that I had been planning on doing anyway before I left Walmart. I fixed up the candle and left it burning. The flame was weak but it kept burning, however when I got home it had been extinguished. I dug some of the wax from around the wick and relit the candle only for it to burn a few hours before extinguishing again. So I abandoned the effort.

I've worked the last 7 days in a row and I have two more to go before I have Wednesday off. I have to go wash clothes on Wednesday and am performing a laying on of hands healing ritual for a friend in Coupeville who is battling cancer and who has already lost one kidney to this terrible affliction. I'm fixin' up a HEAL ALL vigil candle for him to burn at home as well as a Mojo Bag that he can carry with him in the coming days and weeks. I will be sharing this information with you, my readers, in the coming days as well as sharing my personal ritual for laying on of hands.

As far as my job is going, I've had a few times in which I thought about just walking out and leaving but it hasn't actually come to that yet. On the whole, I'm told that I'm doing really well and that the rest will come in time. I still haven't gotten the hang of changing the paper in the photo machine, which is understandable because you are not allowed to see what you are doing. The only thing I can compare it to is changing a tire for the first time while wearing a blindfold.

Most of my doubts and anxieties have centered on my ability to keep my home. This job does not pay me enough to live here. As much as I don't want to, I am going to have to seek government assistance (food stamps, rental assistance, etc). I'm still trying to find a second job but nothing has turned up yet. If it comes to me having to turn off my internet, I will let you know beforehand.

Today while cooking I re-affirmed my faith. Speaking to the Creator, I affirmed that I asked for a job that would best utilize my skills and experiences while also paying me enough money to maintain my present lifestyle. After several interviews, I got a job. Since this is the job that came along, I have to have faith that everything is going to work out and that this is where I am supposed to be.

Not too long afterward, while watching an old episode of Tales from the Darkside, a character was reading Psalm 23. Then, I started watching a movie on Lifetime in which a mother's son was killed in a car accident. At the funeral, the Pastor was reading Psalm 23.

I don't know if it means anything, but it means something to me.

Carolina Dean

Friday, July 4, 2008

My Declaration of Indpendence



In the name of Lady Justice, who teaches us balance in all things, today I declare emotional independence from depression, self-hate, and my attachments to those who would rather drag me down rather than lift me up! Physical independence from inertia, gluttony, and procrastination! Mental independence from negative thinking, worry, and pessimism!

...and you can too!

Carolina Dean

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Jeses Loves Me This I Know ....

...for the Bible tells me so.

Not much to say today. I'm preparing for the New Moon tomorrow and will be working for increased prosperity. However, I wanted to share two articles with you, my readers, that I came across recently. It's a new look at scriptures which seem to indicate that Jesus believed some people ARE born gay, and another in which Philip baptizes a gay man welcoming him into the church.



Carolina Dean

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My Story of Abuse

Last night, I wasn't quite ready to go to bed so I stayed up a bit later and watched television. Flipping through the various channels, I came across an episode of 30 days. If you're not familiar with this reality television show, you may be familiar with its creator Morgan Spurlock who also wrote, directed, and starred in Super Size Me in 2004.

Similar to his earlier documentary in which Morgan eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days, in each episode he or another individual spends 30 days engaging in a lifestyle in which they are unfamiliar or diametrically opposed to, while debating the issues surrounding that lifestyle.

Last night's episode focused on the theme of same sex couples adopting and raising straight children; and featured Kati a Mormon and member of the Latter Day Saints, who opposed gays adopting children citing that it was against her belief system and she feels "...that two parents of the same sex are ill-equipped to give their child the life lessons that can only be provided by two different sexes." I'm not going to go into a full synopsis of the episode in this blog however if you'd like to read a synopsis click here.

The point of this entry is to share my story of abuse at the hands of my own parents, who were straight and Christian (Southern Baptist) I am a gay man who was raised by my straight grandparents after my own parents divorce. I am 35 years old and have never had a positive, stable, satisfying relationship with a man and at this point I don't think I ever will.

This is due to the fact that I was always made to feel like there was something wrong with me the entire time I was growing up. It wasn't enough that I was picked on and bullied on a daily basis at school, but abuse also occurred in my home as well. I wasn't physically abused, but I was mentally and psychologically abused in extremes. At one point, I was forcibly put in a woman's dress, makeup was applied to my face and I was locked out of the house in an effort to "make a man" out of me.

My biological mother met and married a man who didn't want me around; and my father signed away his rights rather than pay child support. I felt abandoned by the two people who were supposed to love me regardless. I had no outlet, no where to turn. I cried myself to sleep every night wishing for someone who would love me for who I was, someone who would accept me, and let me be myself.

Before I found Wicca, and an inner strength I'd never known before, I attempted to kill myself by slitting my wrists. I hesitated and ultimately didn't go through with the act, however, when my family saw the scars on my wrists rather than see this as a cry for help they saw it as just another reason to make fun at me.

Due to the abuse I was subjected to I cannot get close to anyone, I don't trust people, at least not easily, and have very few friends. If I could do it all over again with a gay parent or parents, who would be the loving guardian I never had then I'd relive my childhood in a heartbeat and maybe then I wouldn't keep trying to fill the void inside me with food and sex.

I freely admit that I am not perfect, I've come a long way and I have a long way to go. But as a wise person once said, "I ain't what I could be, I ain't what I should be, but thank God[dess] I ain't what I was!"


Carolina Dean